I used to be colourblind

[ginny_t]

RaceFail '09 is continuing. It's the Fail that keeps on giving.

synecdochic weighs in with some excellent general guidelines/advice/rules of thumb. I'm still working through the links in the first paragraph, but so far they're well worth reading, too.

And now, storytime! So, a couple years back, in my notetaking days, I was in a class of social workers in training. As I recall, this class taught the beginnings of how to talk to people, get them to open up, and help work through problems with them. (That's not really the point, but is important to the tangent: the instructor and script told the students to say things like "You're angry…" or "You're afraid…" This bothered me a lot because it denied the fact that superficial emotions can be masks for other emotions, and people can misunderstand cues based on their own baggage and things they just don't know about.)

The instructor was from somewhere in the Caribbean; I don't know where exactly, but she had medium-brown skin, an "unusual" name, and a slow way of talking that was a boon to people who were trying to transcribe real time on a regular keyboard. (I mention this about her because I confess my reaction to her statement was probably race-based.)

In one of the first classes, the instructor said matter-of-factly that there was institutionalised racism in Toronto and Canada. I was outraged! I was raised in this city! I had an extremely multi-cultural circle of "friends" (actually, we were just the unpopular girls who hung out together so as not to be alone) in high school. I had fought with my parents about my "liberal education" and their not-right remarks (I didn't call the remarks racist then; I would now, but I've learned not to have that conversation [fortunately, they've learned not to bring that stuff up with me]). I was colourblind, Toronto was colourblind, everyone was happy, and that was that. The end.

Oh, sweet, young, innocent Ginny. How deluded you were. It's all true, and colourblindness is worse than a lie: it's a weapon to be used against other cultures. I don't remember exactly when I acknowledged the truth, but I'm still a little pissed off about the whole colourblind bullshit.

This story felt much more pertinent before I typed it out. Oh well, might as well post it anyway. (Something I'm trying to work on is my self-consciousness in making posts about social matters that are important to me. I sometimes feel like I'm subconsciously hoping for a cookie or equivalent reward. The brain is a horrible, awful, messed up, no good, rotten thing. It's still important to speak up: even if I'm doing no harm, am I doing any good?) Also, I hope it's understood, but no harm in explicitating: if you see me running around with my privilege hanging out, please tell me.

ETA: A general guide to getting along with me. Please don't say something that boils down to "tl;dr [ack! the punctuation!!!], summarise for me?" I will respond with sporkings and mockery of laziness. You've been warned.

Comments

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

*hug* I don't think you're looking for cookies. I used to be strongly amongst those who felt being called/accused of racism was the worst thing evar omg.

I squirm with shame. And it's something I still struggle with.

I don't want a cookie either, but sometimes it makes me feel a bit less awful about myself when I realise that this is something a lot of Clueless White Folks go through. But, as I've said a few places, I wish my education wasn't coming at so many other peoples' pain.

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

Trying to learn is an excellent start. That's pretty much where I am, too.

I have a hard time trying to have conversations like that with my mother. She gets upset, I get upset. It's a very bad scene. I pick my battles now and try to remember that she grew up in a small town in the 1950s--a very different time a place from a racial point of view (and yet, in some ways, not all that different at all--*sigh*).

[synecdochic]

For me, I started really making progress on my antiracism journey the minute I managed to convince my brain that while yes, the human social programming is geared towards wanting cookies and pats on the head, I could instead convince it that it could get the same feeling of reward -- if not a greater one -- by watching another white person whom I've taken the time to really engage with and educate have that 'aha! oh holy fuck!' moment, instead of spilling my issues all over the shoes of my PoC friends and constantly trying to cadge cookies.

Went on a cookie diet. Started doing work with some of my friends who wanted to get it, really wanted to get it, but who were less far along the road than I happened to be. Double bonus: not only do I have less of a chance of being a cookie-seeking all-about-me-whining ass-hanging Clueless White Person, I also work to spread the burden of doing Racism 101 work to where it belongs: among white people, where we can get our basic processing out of the way without making someone else's pain be our fetishized learning experience.

Not saying I don't fuck up, or that I don't still sometimes want a cookie like I'd be craving a cigarette if I ever managed to quit. But oh, it helped.

(NB, though: I do not suggest doing this with random internet commenters. I have had the best results with close friends, whom I can have repeated conversations to really hammer points home, and whom I can beat over the head and shoulders with a cluebat with total love and be listened to.)

I remember the minute I realized that the colorblind bullshit was bullshit too, man. Talk about your "...oh holy shit oh my God I have failed so fucking hard" realizations.

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

The thing is, I don't even like (that kind of) cookies! (It's the attention.) What got me out of my quiet agreement was all the criticism of SF fandom's silence. I'm not really in SF fandom, but it was still enough to get me to talk.

Otherwise, I agree with your excellent advice. Thanks for it.

When I want cookies, I go to the kitchen. ^_~

[hysteriachan.livejournal.com]

synecdochic's post was probably the best thing I read all day (although it contributed a bit to my not getting as much work done as I wanted to--it didn't want to be read quickly). I'm glad you linked it; I wanted to earlier, but couldn't think of what to say other than "this is good, go read it!", and I'm still feeling rather too much like the one post I did make on the Fail was too empty of content. :/ So I say yay for anecdotes!

(Mostly I'm okay with being in the Clueless White Person Being Quiet While Trying To Learn category, but these days I'm less comfortable with it than usual. And learning that "colorblind" is a harmful concept rather than an ideal is one of my newer lessons.)

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

Because I am who I am, I have to cling to the belief that colourblindness was founded on good-but-clueless intentions. That said, it was pretty obviously a white people's solution to a persons of colour's problem.

Sometimes all you have to say is "go read this: it's important/smart/good/what-have-you."

[andora.livejournal.com]

From when I was really little until a young adult, somehow I escaped the "small town racism" curse, and used to write my essays and speeches for class on MLK Jr., against racism, etc. (You can imagine how happy my inner child is with America right now) As I grew up and admitted to my own discriminations and whatnot, it's become very complicated, but fascinating. The only thing I can say for sure is racism isn't right, period. Though how we respond and fight it... that's its own discussion.

Anyways. I've only read up about Racefail because a few people have linked to it, and I still don't quite get the magnitude of it (I have a few things to deal with), it's been a fascinating read. And I've really enjoyed your posts and positions on the whole subject.

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

It's huge and overwhelming. Even though I've been following from the start (it was so civilised and right and good in the beginning--then it sucked so bad), there are still large swathes of it I know nothing about.

On another subject entirely, are you still going to Halifax at Easter? I have a Christmas gift for Chris (yes, late--hush), and I'm reluctant to trust it to Canada Post.